Man next door came round one night
To ask me for a drink
I said I didn't anymore
He said, "That's what you think."

A tendril curled around his leg
As he got up to leave
He said, "A friend of yours was here
But we all call him Steve."

Clean Steve
Clean Steve
They don't come any dirtier than me
Better watch out all you space cats
Clean Steve is a mineral man

My cousin Bruce came round to stay
The father of my son
He tore apart a stethoscope
And pointed at the sun

"There's tentacles between our worlds,"
He said, "so I believe."
I said, "The man next door's best friend
Was making videos with Clean Steve."

You could have knocked him down with a feather*

Clean Steve lent me a pound
In nineteen seventy-four
That was a lot of money then
I was extremely poor

We had a party three years later
Clean Steve wore a robe
He brought a new Nick Lowe cassette
And played it in the road

Clean Steve
Clean Steve
They don't come any dirtier than me
Better watch out all you space cats
Clean Steve is a mineral man

I called up Mark Ellen
But he wasn't really in
Instead I talked to his wife Claire
About some gigs she'd seen

Clean Steve was outside the house
Washing both his feet
We all had dinner with him once
He gave us lots to eat

There's some real people in the world
And some who are pretend
Clean Steve is making videos
With the man next door's best friend

He's good at playing frisbee
And his teeth are shining bright
I think he comes from Leatherhead
If all my facts are right

Clean Steve
Clean Steve
They don't come any dirtier than me
Better watch out all you space cats
Clean Steve is a mineral man

Lyrical variations:

*(if you'd had one)
knocked him down with a wardrobe
leatherhead, a small town just off the A25
knocked him down with a railway train
could have shaved his head off with a machete