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From: Gandalf
Date: 3/10/99
Time: 7:42:02 AM
Remote Name: 158.72.105.122
THE DARK ENCHANTMENT OF KING QUAIL being the second part of the chronicles of megafania ____________________________________________________
Fegs, my apologies for the lateness of this missive. I have been delayed by the continuing struggle of good and evil that plagues us. Of course, I'm not about to disclose which side I am on...
Now where were we. Oh yes; Our Hero had just beaten Ebony Bill at His Own Game and proceeded to the Next World. Now, something I should tell you is that our protagonmist suffered from fading memories as he travelled from world to world. It's a glitch I have not been able to work out yet, despite my mastery of Time (which is round) and Space (which is cursed.) I call this fading-memory phenomenon the "You & Oblivion Effect", because the affected party retains his sense of self, but loses everything else, a bit at a time, the most important things first.
Our traveller's second journey nearly proved disastrous, and I was forced to intervene... We join our friend at a crossroads in the Kingdom of Megfania. _________________________________________________________________________
"Dusty traveller, how come you to Megfania?"
"Hm?" our hero was disorientated. "Oh, I, er.. I seek the source of greatest evil."
"No, I mean how is it that you travel here? By what means?"
"I... I'm not sure, really. Last thing I remember, I was enjoying some very fine beer, and now I find myself at this crossroads."
The other man nodded sagely. "Sounds like you could use some help then. Well, this road here leads to our capital, Roam. But then all roads lead to roam, eh?" he chuckled. "That is where you will find the source of evil in Megfania, for it is there that King Quail lies under a dark enchantment, and he is an unmarried king as well, and unable to conceive of children, and will relinquish the throne only to a knight who can best him in personal combat. Mean time, he is mean all the time, and our fair kingdom is in turmoil."
"Thank you kind sir, you are most helpful! Allow me to introduce myself-"
"That I cannot allow! The King has spies everywhere, and they would carry your name to him quickly. But as I have no wish to challenge him to personal combat, I will give you my name. I am Mark of Glostershire, and I am at your service." he bowed low, and swept his jester's hat with a flourish; its tiny bells jingled merrily. "I am but a humble jestrel, but I too travel to Roam to try to break the king's evil spell. I would be honored to accompany you."
"For that I would be most grateful! But pray, what is a jestrel?"
"Why a jester minstrel, of course. I live by my wits and my music is my only weapon. Speaking of which, you will need to aquire magical artifacts or astonishing power if you wish to challenge the King! We must find the legendary railway shoes, perhaps, or better yet, the much-sought Sword of Hedblade! It is an intelligent weapon, and likely the only one that could defeat the King."
"Where might we find this Hedblade?"
"I have no idea - but I know of someone who might. She may also have an idea of how to break the king's evil spell, being herself an Enchantress. And fortunately for us, her house is right on the way."
"Then let's be off!" And they were.
=====================================
The house of Scary Mary was deep in the heart of the Tiger Wood, and the air nearby shimmered with dark green energy. As they ventured deeper into the dark heart of the wood, the travellers noticed a pair of crimson eyes with a frightening diabolical, yet playful slant. "One of the tigers for which the wood is named?" asked our hero. "No, that was Wren, Mary's familiar; the Devil Dog," Mark of Gloster replied. "It is in line with her sense of humor to name a vicious (but very frolicsome) demon canine after a small bird. Even now she has departed to report our arrival to her mistress."
Just then the lights came up and the two travellers found themselves inside the house of the enchantress. She greeted them kindly and appeared to be sinister, but happy. "So you seek to overthrow the Evil King?" she said. "A daunting task! The magic that afflicts him is older than this world. You will need strong magic indeed to counteract it. Go and seek ye the one known as woj. But be warned, his CD collection is vast, and his guardians fierce. He can be found in the Garden of Light, beyond the Usenet Waste. If you can convince him to help you, he can help you defeat the king, for woj has been here since the world began. But no one has ever crossed the Usenet Waste unscathed. You will have to deal with Gondoleb, and a tasty morsel you may prove for him!"
The men bowed low. "Thank you, Enchantress," said our hero.
"Take you this silver wand, its power is limited, but could be enough if you use it rightly." She slipped one from an urn that held many such wands. "Farewell." And the travellers were disappeared to the far edge of the Tiger Wood.
==================
The travellers found themselves parched and tired at the end of the day's journey, so they stopped at an inn called, strangely enough, "Muswell Hill Cab Hire & Lodging." As they entered they noticed three ghouls playing cards in one corner, beneath a green lamp. They gave the ghouls a wide berth and instead stepped to the bar where a number of citizens were having (of all things) a religious discussion. "God walks among us," one insisted. "He assumes human form and travels among the living." "Blasphemy," another dismissed him. "Anyone knows The Goddess would never dirty her hands with the material world, unless it had something to do with toast or toasters... have you no priorities?" "--I always thought God would be the one who scored a 20 on the 20-point scale," someone else said. "Where do you go when you die?" yet another patron mused.
"Er- excuse me, worthy folk," interrupted Mark of Glostershire. "We seek the one known as woj, that we might wrest this kingdom from the evil hands of he who holds it. Can you direct us to the garden of light?"
The motley bunch turned in startlement. "You'll never manage to defeat the King," said one. "His clan has been affected with the Dark affliction ever since Fane came to this land. The current King has gone through a dozen Queens and can neither procreate nor die. He will rule forever!"
"A dozen queens?" asked the Hero in amazement.
"The king has ruled for centuries," explained another chap. "In the beginning, all seemed well. The Beautiful Queen tempered his rule and gentleness reigned. When she died he took another wife, the Queen of Eyes, who saw the darkness in his soul; madness filled her veins. Many followed... finally Queen Elvis... --it is best that we do not speak of it."
"We seek the mighty wizard woj, that he might provide us with a weapon worthy of the task - the Hedblade, or perhaps Brenda's Iron Sledge."
A swarthy man shook his head. "Even those artifacts could not do it. The King is cursed, and so are the noble women of the kingdom - one must wed the King upon the new moon. Perhaps the Lady Vivayn, or Caroline the Good, daughter of King Charles of Canadia. Even now it wanes - all are doomed."
"Still," said the steadfast Mark of Gloster, "We must try. Can you direct us to the proper entry point to the Usenet Waste?"
"Ah," sighed the man, "you will end up in Gondoleb's barkhouse, or trampled by a pamplemoose. But very well - the entry point to the Waste is just south of Overbury, near the mausoleum. There you will encounter Gondoleb, who will ferry you across the Wastes - for a price. When-- IF you make it to the other side, seek a tavern called the Hovering Kestrel. It's near the Flaming Pig, in Burningham. The barkeep can direct you further, should further be where you wish to go."
The two wayfarers thanked the men profusely and departed from the inn. As they left the common area a slight, nattily dressed man with spectacles and a sharp beard entered the inn and walked over towards the three ghouls.
=======
Though it was just before dawn, they set off immediately, munching their waytoast as they walked, so as to throw off any pursuit. They arrived in Overbury as the sun began to eat its way through the ominous cloud cover. At the edge of the mighty Waste they paused in horror. Charred threads writhed in the smouldering ashes of the forgotten flame wars. Strewn in the shifting sands were terabytes of copyright violations, sand serpents, and worse. They did not have long to wait before Gondoleb sidled up to them in his sand skiff.
Contrary to what they had been led to believe, he was not a frightening monster at all, just a slim flesh golem with yellow stripes. "Need a ride?" he asked. "The price is the answer to a single question of my choosing. If you fail, I feed you to the sand serpents, or..." he checked his watch; yes, it was almost breakfast time.
"We must traverse the Waste," said our hero. "We accept your terms."
"Then climb aboard," said Gondoleb.
The skiff was a powerful craft and soon a plume of sand shot dozens of feet in the air behind them as they skimmed along at a breathtaking rate. "So how did you get into this business?" Mark of Gloster asked their conveyor chattily.
"Oh, this isn't my real job. I just like helping people. And I'd rather people not know what I really do - people can be so judgemental." His passengers nodded. Soon they had arrived at the far end of the Waste.
"Now," said Gondoleb, rubbing his hands together and looking as though he were on the verge of saying "Whee!", "Riddle me this. Draw a line between Robyn Hitchcock and Carl Palmer, WITHOUT," he hastened to add, "Without using any albums with more than three letters."
The travellers were terrified. They didn't know Jack about Carl Palmer! But Mark of Gloster sat down hard and thought harder. Well, Hitchcock has _Eye_. What was it in those liner notes... if only he had listened to _Eye_ more, and not the red produced one with the lemons... Courtesy of A&M... originally released in... AHA! "Eureka!" he cried and jumped to his feet. "In the _Eye_ liner notes, Mr. H alludes to the song 'Kung Fu Fighting,' which was by Carl Douglas, who shares a first name with Carl Palmer!"
Gondoleb was aghast. "What the f.... that's not a music connection! Douglas and Palmer may have played together, but..."
"Well you didn't say it had to b--"
"Get the hell off my gondola!"
"It's not a gondola, it's a sk-"
"OUT!" the indignant golem shoved them onto the mossy bank and departed hastily. Incredibly, they had survived! They surveyed their surroundings. All along the bank, melons bulged through the planks of ancient shipwrecks. On to Burningham and Roam!
==========
After a hearty meal at the Flaming Pig, our travellers stopped in at the Hovering Kestrel Tavern & Pub. The barkeep was known as Lex Dudich, and was an amiable sort, even if he did rather resemble a stoned owl. "Seek ye the wizard woj?" said he. "Aye, you may find him, but beware his temper if you do! He's offed men for offenses as simple as a cookie recipe, a tweetie bird post, or even a top 10 albums list. Not to mention a graph of the 20-point scale, and please don't, nor tell him I did." This 20-point scale must be some weird cult religion in this kingdom, thought the traveller. "Above all else, do not mispronounce, or - Goddess forbid! -CAPITALIZE his name."
"Consider us well warned," said our protagonist impatiently. "How might we find him?"
"woj resides in the Garden of Light, by the oceanside, where the Lobsterman roams," said Dudich. "Beware the Devils Coachman, a scarab with a nasty pinch. If I cannot dissuade you, you had best be off. The new moon rises this very night, and so will one of the ladies of the kingdom be wed to that insane overlord, King Quail." The journeymen thanked him and quickly left the tavern.
=======
"i see you are in dire need of my assistance," said the mighty wizard woj. "still.... this quail-creature has no hold over me. why should i help you?"
"O great wizard," said the hero, "Without your boon one of the fair ladies of the kingdom will wed King Quail this very night, with horrible results. Each and every one of his Queens has met with death."
"quail is over 1000 years old!" cried woj. "his wives all died of old age. except for queen elvis, of course..." he made a face and changed the subject. "i've never unsubscribed anyone just for living a long time."
"Mighty wizard," spoke Mark of Gloster, (these heroes know how wizards like to be addressed) "If you could see fit to bestow upon us an Object of Power, I could give you this." He pulled from his jester's cloak a small cup and disc. "The Grail. A disc with all Robyn Hitchcock unreleased demo masters, in handy MP3 format."
at this woj grew interested. "i know some others who will appreciate this," said he, and took the gift. "very well! name your prize."
"If you have in your possession the Mighty Sword of Hedblade, perhaps we might use it to defeat the king in single combat."
"i do indeed, and it is yours. now you must hasten, for night draws near. mind that you do not awaken my attack cats on the way out."
"Never fear," said Gloster, "I know how to handle such beasts."
========
Luck was with them and they did not encounter the Lobsterman or any Devils Coachmen as they left the receding shoreline. They quickened their pace and pulse as perspex mountain and Quail Castle rose before them, silhouetted against the setting sun. Suddenly they were three.
"Greetings, friends," said the newcomer. "I am known as the Rook. Are you for Quail Castle?"
"We are very much against it," said our hero grimly, "yet it is our destination."
"Word of your quest has reached far and wide, to all thirteen corners of the kingdom. Never let it be said that Alin Rook is a coward - may I join you in this noble adventure?" He smiled and a charming curly forelock fell before his eyes.
Seems harmless enough, they thought. "Okay."
"Are you not going to sleep before you attempt siege on Quail Castle?"
"I cannot go to sleep because... because.."
"Because if he does he will awake in the Next World," finished Gloster. "He is suffering from you & oblivion," he added conspiritorially.
"I see," said the Rook, and did. Back at home sitting in front of the Palantir, I saw as well, saw that the two were in grave danger. The Rook was obviously a servant of the Quail - didn't they see the bird imagery? Fools! I made preparations to go to Megfania immediately. I only hoped I would arrive in time...
=========
As the invisible moon rose over Megfania, the Quail's court flooded over with the citizens of his domain. Soon one of the lovely noble ladies of the realm would become his Queen, as so many had before her. Who would it be? The angelic Lizajane Lindberg? The deliciously naughty Duchess of Dodge? Princess Caroline the Good? The Lady Randi, who enjoyed tremendous popularity throughout the kingdom and beyond? The Lady Vivayn, said to be betrothed to some sailor character from a distant port? Lord Kay or She-Rex, themselves rulers of distant kingdoms? The Gnat of Megfania, who always had something shiny up her sleeve? Karol or Caren, the fair Sisters? Or even that mysterious Enchantress from across the Usenet Waste. He'd always been intrigued by her. Well, no matter who, just as long as they got to have a big party. King Quail LOVED parties. He rubbed his hands together and watched the black moon move through the starless sky.
=============
"There's nothing for it, I will have to confront the Quail and challenge him to honorable combat."
"He'll never agree to that! The king is the source of all evil in Megfania. He'll die before doing anything honorable!"
"Let us hope so."
"He'll throw you in his dungeon with the rest of the wisecracking rats!"
"How do you plan to defeat the king?" asked Alin Rook, with a voice like iron dropped on velvet.
"I am armed with the invincible sword of Hedblade. It knows the weakness of its opponent and it cannot be bested."
The three had reached the castle gates. "In the name of the Goddess, let us in that we may join the party!" they cried.
"Give us the passphrase," shouted back the gatekeeper, one John H. Hedges.
"MORE SONGS ABOUT TOAST!"
"Enter, friends!"
The massive portcullis clanked open and the three entered the castle. The ceremony was about to begin. But the bride had not been chosen and the King was nowhere in sight- or rather, nowhere to be found.
========
I found them in the courtyard and hastened toward them. "Gandalf!" cried the hero. "How is it that you come to be here?"
"Never mind that. There is an enemy in your midst! Beware the Rook within the Castle!"
Alin Rook gave a cry of triumph and pulled the Hedblade from the hero's scabbard. "The game is finished! God walks among you! Now I shall kill you and marry the damsel of my choice."
Ever the hero, our protagonist drew his only remaining weapon, the silver wand. King Quail laughed a cruel Quail laugh - a cluck, almost. "Your dowsing rod has no pull with me! He swung the mighty blade over his head and gasped, falling to his kness. "My hmuh!" he cried, scabbling in the dirt of the courtyard. "This accursed blade has severed my hmuh!" he grasped for it but it slipped through his fingers, sliding into the dirt like a worm. The King collapsed, drained of his evil Quail powers.
"The blade knew the Quail was still the Enemy, and acted accordingly," said Gloster the jestrel.
"Or perhaps the Silver Wand of the enchantress intervened," said the hero.
"Or perhaps it was simple happenchance," said I.
"So that's what those silly little things that stick out of the heads of Quails are called," said John H. Hedges.
________________________________________________________________________ eplilogue
Needless to say, with the departure of his evil quail powers went the rest of the curse, as well as his immortality and a little bit of his sex appeal. But the Quail - or Alin, as he chose to be called from that day forward - ruled wisely and well for all of his remaining years, and DID marry again, choosing the Angel of Megfania, Liza Jane Lindbergh (though some say SHE chose HIM). Mark of Gloster stayed on as Official Court Jestrel and played classics by Stan Ridgeway as well as many originals which were also well-received.
I, of course, returned home using my usual means, and our hero slept well and awoke in a very strange place indeed.... _________________________________________________________________________
NEXT TIME - Feg Wars: Episode I